The blog of The Harvard Crimson

Prefrosh: Be Smart


Congratulations, Class of 2022. You did it. After 13 years of brutal education and more hours invested in extracurriculars than sleep, you made it to Harvard. After you take your first steps past the regal arch of Johnston Gate, suitcase bouncing on the bricks behind you, you’ll have three days of Visitas to test Harvard’s waters, explore what this campus has to offer, and decide whether you can see yourself here for four years.

We remember this excitement. We were once in your shoes. The prospect of college independence and no parental supervision is a rush of adrenaline...which is why, as veterans of Visitas, we have some advice to give you. Prefrosh, for your sake and ours, don’t be dumb. Here are some tips on getting through Visitas and preparations for your first year without too many regrets.

Don’t destroy your liver

We get it. A college party is exciting, uncharted territory, and you want to make the most of it. But you do not want your first experience on Harvard’s campus to be marked with a trip to the hospital at Mt. Auburn. Trust us, there will be plenty of opportunities to drink and make bad decisions here, but save that for after you commit and have Harvard’s Amnesty Policy on your side.

Don’t be disruptive

Visitas may be a new and exciting time for you, but remember it’s still (perpetual) midterm season for students here. Explore our beautiful libraries and aesthetic study spots to your heart’s content, but keep the volume and activity levels to a minimum. However Instagram-worthy Harvard’s nooks and crannies may be, it’s still a school, not a museum.

Don’t flex your college acceptances

Yes, you got into Yale. We know you have a laundry list of other schools you’re “considering,” but it’s not worth bragging about unless you want to be branded as the pretentious kid. Use this time as a chance to learn more about Harvard, not as an opportunity to boast about your other acceptances, or—Drew Faust forbid—your SAT score. You’ll come to realize that only one school matters in the end.

Don’t touch John Harvard’s foot

Just don’t do it. You can take a picture with the guy. Just stay away from his foot. You’ll understand later.

Do reach out and talk to current students

While it can be tempting to stay within the #squad you formed within the first two hours of Visitas, don’t be afraid to get to know current students at Harvard! Whether it’s your host, your host’s friends, or upperclassmen you run into, we’re all excited that you’re here. Not only can conversations with current students help you determine whether Harvard is the best fit for you, but those connections will make the transition into freshman year a lot easier.

Visitas is completely what you make of it. You can love it or hate it, but what you take away from the experience is entirely up to you. Save yourself from an ambulance trip, the dirty looks of stressed students, and the permanent branding of the letter “A” (for bragging A-hole), and you just might find your future home here.

The TL;DR Version of the CEB Yardfest Email

Yardfest Logistics
Tomorrow's the day. Get hype!

If you haven’t been living under a rock, or in the Widener stacks, you know that Yardfest is tomorrow! To make it as hype as possible, make sure you’re prepped with all the essential Yardfest info:

Pregames

We all know that pregaming is one of the most essential part of Yardfest, so if you haven’t already started, here’s what you need to know. Each neighborhood hosts a block party with food, free t-shirts, and of course some choice beverages for 21+ers. Head to the Quad Lawn, Eliot Courtyard, Adams Courtyard, or Leverett Towers Courtyard.

Dinner

After the extreme sport of pregaming, you’ll surely be hungry. All of the dhalls will be closed except for Currier, Dunster, and Hillel, so head to the Yard instead. If you can make it to Yardfest, you can make it to dinner, which will be served from 5 p.m. to 7:15 p.m. in the Tercentenary Theatre.

Guests

If you’re bringing guests, hopefully you’ve already bought guest tickets as they will not be sold at the actual event. You must enter with your guest, and they get to eat dinner too!

Entry

The two entrances to Yardfest are between Pusey and Widener libraries or between Weld and University Hall, and gates open at 4:45 p.m. Make sure that you bring your HUID, and make sure not to bring any backpacks/large bags or *beverages*, and keep in mind that they may search your personal items.

Timing

If you’re trying to extend your pregame, or are more interested in the headliners than the openers, know that, based on previous years' show lengths, they probably won’t go on ’til around 6:30.

No matter how you feel about Wale and Lil Yachty, the weather’s shaping up to be warmer than it’s been in weeks, and with the end of the year in sight, we could all use a good party. Study up on our headliners, crank our playlist, stay safe, and Yardfest is sure to be a yacht of fun!

How To: Suck Up To Your TF Late in the Game

OH
Ah, office hours...your new home.

There’s only a month left till the semester is over, and you’ve realized that you need to be in your TF’s good graces to salvage your grade. Chances are, he/she doesn’t even know your name or doesn’t like you because you often fail to contribute “meaningful discourse” during section. Thankfully, it’s not too late. Use these Flyby-approved tactics to finally establish a connection with your TF and finish the semester on a strong (or at least passable) note.

Mutual Interests

“Oh my god, you listen to NPR too?” Try to find out what your TF does in his/her free time or has an interest in, and try to build some conversations out of it. This will make you memorable to the TF, and it shows that you might actually care about building connections and not just boosting your grade.

Office Hours Bananza

Go to office hours, but don’t be basic and ask for help on your p-set. Instead, delve in and express a deeper interest in the subject. Tell your TF that you were just fascinated with that lecture last Wednesday and was wondering where you could find more supplementary material to satiate your desire for more knowledge on the topic. Of course, don’t lay it on too thickly, but a show of deep interest should definitely work in your favor later on.

The Present

No, do not get your TF a $100 JCPenney gift card. Instead, go on the thoughtful track, and bring in some baked goods, or even better, a handmade gift that shows you care. Feeling that this takes too much finesse? Give your TF a handwritten card instead. A few words can go a long way.

The Early Bird

Want to look like a dedicated student? If you can, show up to section before your TF. Don’t just sit there, though: read some supplementary material on the section topic, or show off your studious nature by poring through your lecture notes. As a bonus, try to be the last kid to leave section. It shows dedication.

Manners

Sometimes all you need is some good manners. Simply saying a genuine “good morning” and “have a nice day” leaves a lasting impression. It shows acknowledgement and respect to your TF, something that anyone would certainly enjoy.

Bottom line is, don’t suck up too hard, but make sure you’re doing something that gets your TF to actually notice and appreciate you. Enjoy the rest of the semester!

The Ultimate Yardfest 2018 Playlist


"Look around, bro," Lil Yachty tells KYLE in the conversation that opens "iSpy." So look around, Harvard student! Come Friday, the sun will be shining (probably, but don't trust New England weather), block parties will be popping, and you will be beautifully buzzed. What's not to love about a Yardfest that's not headed by an EDM artist? Now that you, the uncultured Wale/Lil Yachty initiate, know about the headliners, it's time to dive into their music. Doesn't the pregame start on Wednesday?

My Love (ft. Major Lazer, WizKid, Dua Lipa) // Wale

Okay, so the odds that Wale is bringing Major Lazer, Wizkid, and Dua Lipa in tow are...pretty low. But this track will totally smash your expectations about Wale. "My Love" is danceable and has a strong bassline, but it manages to sound chill and tropical at the same time. This is the kind of song you could get down to and kick back to.

One Night // Lil Yachty

This right here is the song that announced Lil Yachty's presence on the music scene, making him a star overnight. It's slow and almost mellow, but all the commitmentphobes on this campus will definitely relate to Yachty needing no wife.

Chillin // Wale

Picture this: you're strutting into the Yard, it's a lovely 70 degrees, and no one can touch you. Coolly perch your shades on your head and let the breeze tousle your hair. You're chillin'. Wale captures this mood like no one else.

Minnesota // Lil Yachty

It's impossible not to enjoy this song's zamboni-cruising music video, but "Minnesota" is a bop in itself. The catchy hook and piano melody will stick with you for hours after you're done listening.

Bait // Wale

"Bait" is the kind of song that will instantly compel you to put your drink down and get on the dance floor. This is a club bop, and who can't appreciate Wale's many shoutouts to his native D.C.?

Like what you hear? Follow our Spotify account, where you’ll find all our playlists. Don’t like it? Tell us about it. Shoot a message to flyby@thecrimson.com, especially if you have ideas for more songs we can include.

Study Breaks the Whole Entryway Will Love

J.P. Licks Ice Cream
Honorable Mention: J.P. Licks Study Break. NO ONE turns down free J.P. Licks.

Study breaks—the brief respite we get from the living hell that is Harvard mid-week. Don’t get us wrong, we love our proctors, PAFs, and tutors, but “Quaker Oats Rager!!” study breaks just aren’t what the people want. It's the end of the semester, and they're probably just running really low on cute ideas, which they all wasted in the first few weeks when they were trying to impress you. Luckily, Flyby has a few ideas for kick-butt study breaks that’ll make everyone in your entryway (except for that one kid who’s always high-strung because he’s in HCCG) happy!

Burn Book(s) Study Break

Angry about a grade on an exam? Quiz? Homework Assignment? Furious over your TF? Section Leader? Professor? Host a fun study break in the great outdoors by making a bonfire and burning the textbooks of all those classes you hate when the semester’s over! At the same time, upgrade scrapbooking by creating a Burn Book (Mean Girls-style) with all the dirty, awful things you think about your professors and TFs.

Nap Time Study Break

Calling sleep-deprived Harvard students: have your PAF’s bust out the pillows and blankets and let your entryway catch some zzzs. Just be sure to wake them up to finish that essay they haven’t started. Give them a few pills of speed while they’re on the way out.

Potluck Study Break

Get the whole entryway involved in this study break! By having everyone bring their own special food and drink to share, you can create a beautiful assortment of half-eaten Dorito bags and Cheez-it boxes, as well as whatever obscure, crappy seltzer bottles have been hiding underneath the bed of your entryway-mates for the past few weeks. Enjoy!

Kumbaya Study Break

Whenever you go home for break, some of your odd relatives may warn you of indoctrination screaming, “Those liberals at Harvard! All they do is sit around and sing kumbaya! They know nothing!”

Prove them right.

Meryl Streep Study Break

If you don’t love Meryl Streep get the f off my article.

Titanic-themed Study Break

Going to Harvard is basically the equivalent of drowning in a cold, harsh, unforgiving environment that will swallow you up if you let it, so you might as well have a study break commemorating that.

“Lookin’ Like a Snack” Study Break

Tell everyone (and I mean everyone) to break out their sexiest outfits for the study break to end all study breaks. S&M M&Ms, Three-way Musketeers, Butterfingers, and, for the more vanilla crowd, Hershey’s Kisses. Need I say more?

Which Lil Yachty or Wale Song are You?


Forget Buzzfeed quizzes. Get ready for Yardfest by answering the crucial question: which Lil Yachty or Wale song are you?

1) It’s Friday night, and shocker, you’re at a party. But things are getting dry. What would save this night for you?
a) Some good tea (she did what?!)
b) Some gluten-free rice crackers
c) Someone to set up beer pong so you can show off your skillz
d) Honestly, I have vodka so this isn’t too rough
e) A hot tub—what is this, some lame broke-college-student party? Let’s step it up

2) Your ideal mate is:
a) A good listener—you’ve got a lotta juice to spill and you need someone you can trust
b) Fit—someone to make #gainz with
c) Confident—someone who can step into a room and own it (just as long as you still own it more)
d) Easygoing—someone who you can just kick it back with
e) Adventurous—someone who will just hop on a plane and jet off with you

3) What is the ultimate dealbreaker for you?
a) Not being able to keep a secret
b) Being a couch potato—if you’re sitting on your butt, I’m dumping your butt
c) Always needing to be the center of attention—there can only be one star and it’s me
d) Always stirring the pot—take your drama and leave
e) Being cheap—money isn’t everything but it lowkey is

4) Oh no, you didn’t do so well on your last p-set. What do you do?
a) My oh my, what big ears I have—a little bit of listening to some answers for the next pset never hurt anybody
b) Hit the gym—when things don’t work out, work out
c) Get your section squad together so you can throw some shade at your TF—it’s like therapy but free
d) Nothing—Cs get degrees
e) Slide your TF a few bucks

5) Why do your friends love you?
a) You know everything—your friends can always count on you to know what’s up
b) You provide that much-needed health and fitness inspo
c) You’re the life of the party & always know how to have a good time
d) You’re the only non-extra one in the squad—your friends can always count on you to keep it real
e) You have the funds—weekend trip to Cabo? I think yes

If you got mostly As you’re: "iSpy" - Lil Yachty

Is there anything you don’t know? You make it your mission to know everything about everything, and your boundless well of knowledge always seems to come in handy. Nothing can get by you—be on the lookout for an offer from the CIA.

If you got mostly Bs you’re "Broccoli" - Lil Yachty

Chances are, you’re probably the resident health geek of your squad. Good for you, it must be nice to have that sorta willpower.

If you got mostly Cs you’re "No Hands" - Wale

You’re always down to have fun, and wherever the spotlight goes, you go. Can’t remember last night? No problem. Knowing you, it was a good time.

If you got mostly Ds you’re "Chillin" - Wale

While all of your classmates are out here trying to get recruited, you and your low blood pressure can relax because you know what’s meant to happen will happen.

If you got mostly Es you’re "Bag of Money" - Wale

If you got the money, you might as well flaunt it. You’re just out here trying to live your best life, and if that means treating yourself so be it.

PSA: Harvard Could Get a Cardi B Concert


Consider this article a call to action for all Harvard students. Cardi B is currently partnering with Tinder to hold a free concert for the school that receives the most right swipes on Tinder. Currently Harvard is in the top 64 schools, with half the schools being eliminated every week. The concert will be held for the winning school on April 25th, which coincides with the beginning of our reading period. In order to win ourselves a second Yardfest and prove to other schools that we are not just sad loners in the library, we have put together a guide to guarantee us the concert.

Sign Up Everyone You Know for Tinder (Including Yourself)

As long as it’s linked to their Facebook profile and it has Harvard as their school, all of their data will count toward our score. Significant others have to understand making a Tinder is worth it for Cardi B. You don’t necessarily have to use it, just let it sit there and rack up swipes.

Increase Your Radius

Tinder allows your radius to go up to 100 miles, and more mileage means more people, more potential right swipes, and a better chance for us getting that concert. The other people setting their radius that far away have to be desperate, which guarantees a good like ratio. The best part about this is you will never have to see these people around and you can ghost them peacefully.

Don't Swipe Left

Swiping left on people takes you out of people’s lineup, reducing the number of chances you have to be swiped right on. If you really cannot handle swiping right on a lot of people, just let your Tinder sit there until the end of the contest.

Swipe Right on Other Harvard Students

I know it may be weird to swipe right on that one person you see in the dining hall everyday or the person from your freshman year Expos, but remember—it’s for Cardi B. You don’t have to date this person, just swipe right for your mutual benefit.

Catfish

If you really don’t want to create a Tinder for yourself, find some great pictures of someone else and link a Tinder of their face to your Facebook account. Still counts for our total score without the telling yourself that you’ve given in to the monstrosity that is online dating.

Now, Harvard, is your time to rise. Don’t sit idly by and let the opportunity of a free Cardi B concert slip away.

Veritawkward Tackles Siblings and Scaredy Cats


Dear Veritawkward,
So I’ve been best friends with a girl in my grade since freshman year, but our relationship has always been strictly platonic. Last weekend her younger sister came to visit from [her college], and the two of us really hit it off. We spent a lot of time together since my friend would send her sister to hang out with me while she had class. On Saturday night we were all at a party together, and after my friend went home, her sister and I drunkenly hooked up. We waited a few days to tell my friend, and she was absolutely furious. She hasn’t talked to me since, and I really have no clue how to fix this. Should I try to talk to her again?
Please help,
Stumped by Sisters

Dear Stumped by Sisters,

When it comes to romance, there are a lot of “codes.” Girl code, guy code, friend code, you name it. Unfortunately for you, sibling code is probably the most strict. Think about it: these girls have literally known each other their entire lives. They’ve been through it all together, and that makes their bond pretty solid. It’s also likely that they’ve had some competition (with significant others, life, school) in the past, and this event could have stirred up old tensions.

Your friend (let’s call her Sister A) is definitely having some conflicting emotions. For starters, she’s probably feeling protective over her baby sister. That’s only natural. She could also be angry that you guys decided to keep this from her. Some candid advice? Never, ever keep something like that from a close friend. The outcome will only get worse the longer you wait.

Now, even if you were never romantically involved with Sister A, she could still be feeling some betrayal. You guys have been such close friends for so long, and she might be nervous that she could lose you to her sister. I’m guessing you guys have supported each other through a lot, and for her this situation could mean the loss of closeness with two people who are very important in her life. Additionally, Sister B came to visit Sister A. The fact that you two spent the majority of the weekend together was most likely annoying her, and this whole event was the last straw.

Long story short, this is a complex situation you’re tied up in. The good thing is, Sister B is back at college, and there won’t be any more drunken makeout seshs in the near future. My advice is to give Sister A the space she needs to cool off, process her emotions, and hash things out with her sister. Wait for her to approach you (and I can guarantee that she will soon), and just apologize for what happened, listen to what she has to say, and respect her feelings. After that, I’m sure you guys will be thick as thieves in no time.

Remember the codes,
Veritawkward

Dear Veritawkward,
My first girlfriend and I just broke up, and it’s given me some time to think. In retrospect, I realize that throughout the entire relationship I cared so much more than she did. Whether it was small things like delivering her favorite food after an exam and remembering her favorite songs, or bigger things like planning an elaborate treasure hunt for her birthday, I always seemed to be putting in more effort. When we broke up, I cried like a baby for days. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even shed a tear. I wish I had realized earlier that she was just not as committed so that I wouldn’t have gotten so hurt. I guess I just want some advice on how to not get too attached to a person that isn’t as dedicated. Are there signs to watch out for? I just really don’t want to let another a person hurt me this much again.
Sincerely,
Desperate to Detach

Dear Desperate to Detach,

First off, my condolences on the breakup. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, breakups always suck, and can be some of the most emotionally draining events a person will experience. In the wake of heartbreak, it sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of post-romance reflection. That’s great! It’s always good to go back over a past relationship without those rose-colored glasses and really understand what wasn’t working.

Now, believe me, I get the whole “how do I guard my heart and stop myself from getting hurt?” thing. Anyone who’s recently felt the sting of rejection would naturally want to try to save themselves from future pain. However, by protecting your heart you run the risk of missing out on some really remarkable connections. While it’s definitely smart to err on the side of caution when deciding to open up so fully to someone, you don’t want to enter into the world already prepped for disaster. Be aware, not closed off.

This awareness should also be applied to your perception of the other person. Really try to see them for who they actually are, not who you want them to be. In the end, a relationship is a two way street. If you don’t feel like your S.O. is giving you what you want/need/deserve/desire, it might be time to reassess. If you guys aren’t on the same page about the nature of the relationship, that just means it isn’t the right match. There is someone out there right now who will check off all the boxes on your soulmate checklist, but cutting yourself off from the possibility of love and attachment isn’t the way to find them.

Stay strong,
Veritawkward

—Have a burning question you want answered? Need advice on your hookups, your heartbreaks, or your significant others? Contact us at veritawkward@gmail.com.

What to Know About Wale and Lil Yachty


It was recently announced that Wale and Lil Yachty will be headlining Yardfest this year, a marked difference from the EDM music of the past two years. People seem to be pretty excited, but you don’t know who these people are; you’re classy and listen to the lyrically complex musings of artists like Halsey. Never fear, we’ve got you.

Wale

Now why, you might be wondering, would someone misspell ‘whale’ so badly, and why, you might continue, would they want to be called that? Well, good news, that’s not what happened. Wale is not pronounced like “whale,” nor is it pronounced like “Wall-E.” The proper pronunciation is“wah-lay.” Now that we’ve got that cleared up, who is he?

Born and raised in Washington, D.C. (the 202!) to parents who immigrated from Nigeria, Wale went to college at Robert Morris College and Virginia State on football scholarships, eventually transferring to Bowie State. He gained success in the DMV in the early 2000s, eventually signing with Interscope in 2008. Since then, he has featured on a number of hits including “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame, and “Ride Out” from the Furious 7 soundtrack. He’s got two #1 albums to his name, and his most recent release was the EP, It’s Complicated, in March 2018.

Wale makes the kind of rap you can actually dance to with go-go inspired rhythms, but doesn’t cut corners when it comes to his lyrics. Get excited.

Lil Yachty

Memorable for more than just his stage name and trademark red-beaded hair, Lil Yachty has taken off with what he describes as “bubblegum trap.” His playful lyrics and brighter, colorful sound have found success in songs like “Minnesota” (yes, the one from the Sprite commercial), Chance the Rapper’s “Mixtape,” KYLE’s “iSpy,” and the Grammy-nominated “Broccoli.”

From Mableton, Ga., Lil Yachty first achieved success when his song “1 Night” blew up on SoundCloud. He debuted as a model at Kanye West’s Yeezy Season 3 fashion show at Madison Square Garden in February 2016. Lil Yachty’s mixtape, Lil Boat was released shortly thereafter in March 2016, and he signed a joint record deal with Quality Control Music, Motown Records, and Capitol Records in June. His most recent releases are Lil Boat 2 and “Gucci Flip Flops” with Bhad Bhabie.

In short, it’s gonna be lit. And if you still aren’t convinced, well, you’re probably going to be drunk anyway, and drunk you is going to have a great time.

The Types of People at MQC

21b Homework
We love matrices.

Like every other Sunday night, you haven’t started your math pset that’s due tomorrow morning. And so, with a great sense of urgency, you brave the Math Question Center—with your pset buddies by your side, of course—and discover that there’s no better place to people-watch than MQC. If you’ve ever been to this institution of math help, you’ve met all of these people.

The Aggressive Section Kid

It should be a crime to take MQC as seriously as this person. In fact, everything about their presence should be illegal. Between loitering at the CA’s tables and harassing classmates for answers, they are always vandalizing chalkboards with proofs. (Math 55 doesn’t even go to MQC. Please relax.)

The Most Valuable Player

Despite possessing infinitely more wisdom than the aggressive section kid, you won’t find this person flexing on their peers. Instead, the MVP naturally swaggers into MQC to carry the incredible weight of their friends. The true or false section? Finished. The Mathematica portion? Ready to share on Google Docs. Unsurprisingly, the MVP beat Oliver Knill on Boss Mode.

The Bum

You can identify this person either by their famous words, “Wait, what pset are we on again?” or by their complete isolation—let it be known that literally no one wants to pset with them. Whatever the assignment, the bum is at least three lectures behind.

The "Collaborator"

Even by Harvard standards, this person is the ultimate opportunist. Often under the guise of verifying answers, this parasite will seek out new hosts for the freshest answers. Careful! They are even known to ask for pictures of your pset before you can make a clean escape.

The Course Assistant

When the CAs enter the room, clouds part and angels sing. They are the wind beneath your wings, the reason why you finished the pset in spite of their vocal opposition to checking answers. “She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person.”—Oprah (We’re fairly convinced she was talking about a CA.)

As any STEM student can tell you, MQC strengthens and unites Harvard. And incidentally, attending MQC is much like enlisting in the army. Only through the rigorous training and shared trauma do you come out with lasting relationships. In twisted sort of way, you’ll find that MQC becomes a part of you.

A Gathering of Snakes: Overheard at the Ec Midterm

Every year, hundreds of snakes—that is, econ-interested Harvard students—hail from near and far to learn from their fearlessssssssssss leader Gregory Mankiw as they undertake Ec10a and b. On Wednesday, March 28th, they gathered at the witching hour of 7:40 p.m. to battle it out and prove themselves on the Ec10b midterm. In an attempt to learn more about the culture of the prospective members of one of Harvard’s most notorious concentrations, Flyby went undercover to the midterm with open ears.

On Mindset

“You ready?”

“Well, I guess now I have to be.”

We suppose there’s something to be said for blatant honesty...at this point there’s not much you can do anyway.

“I’m scared.”

Honestly, aren’t we all?

On Preparation

“Did you study at all?”

“Eh, a little bit. I did the unit reviews, which were actually pretty helpful. I mean, I didn’t actually go to them, but I did them afterward.”

“Well, I actually went to the unit reviews.”

“Wow, you go hard!”

The bar is set pretty low if going to low-commitment, high-reward review sessions is now considered “going hard”, but all the best to you in your future pursuits. You might just be the one ec kid that doesn’t get a freshman summer internship at BCG—bummer.

On Knowledge

“What’s 1 divided by 0.05?”

*pause*

“Well, using fractions is always a good way to start.”

On the course description it says, “We will not use calculus.” But maybe some basic algebra skills would be helpful?

“It’s high low low high.”

“No, it’s low high high low.”

“Wait, no, I think it might be the opposite…”

Sounds a bit like how your mood and stress levels might go as you take the midterm if you’re this unsure this late in the game.

On Strategic Seating

“We should sit here! This is like where we sit for Hebrew Bible!”

Psychology definitely says that you should sit in the same seat for both lectures and tests, but I’m not sure if this recommendation stands across subjects. Although the more you think about it, aren’t Ec and Hebrew Bible both just classes for people trying to find the easiest path towards the most reward in life?

An alternative strategy to choosing a seat:

“It might just be a random seat, but I need it!”

Because by some crazy magic, exam rooms are packed, while during lecture the only person around is Mankiw—except sometimes he isn’t either.

On Grading

“If you’re in my grading group, you’re going to be just fine.”

Ah yes, you’ve always got to find those people in your grading group who make the rest of you look great. AVOID SECTION KID AT ALL COSTS.

“Dude, wreck the curve for me.”

Would it even be a Harvard exam if there wasn’t some discussion of the curve?

Now that the exam is over, all that was left to do was sit and wait and hope that the Ec gods blessed you with a grading group that makes your mediocre score look good. To all the ec-devoted students out there, we hope the curve was in your favor!

How To Avoid People in the Dhall

Hi berg
If you play your cards right, you could be in Berg at a peaceful time like this, with no fear of awkward encounters.

We all have those people that we would rather not run into, whether it is because you have sat next to them in section for the past three months without learning their name or because you had a particularly unforgettable but unfortunate experience with them. Now that you have decided you can no longer see this person anymore, they suddenly pop up everywhere in your life, including the most important time of the day—meal time. Here are some tricks you can use to avoid them in the dining hall.

Eat at different times

You may have noticed that they get breakfast at 9, lunch at noon, and dinner at 6 everyday. However, many people spend a lot of hours in the dining hall. One way to get around this is to bribe the dhall staff to let you eat at other times. Breakfast at 6 a.m., Lunch at 11, and dinner at 3:30 are guaranteed to be times when you won’t see them— in fact, you probably won’t see anyone. Enjoy the solitude while thinking about how glad you are to avoid awkward eye contact for those three seconds.

Have your friends protect you

True friends always have your back, and they should help you to spot and avoid anyone in the dining hall. For optimal protection, have your friends form a pod around you and shield you anywhere you go, Secret Service-style. Bonus points if your friends commit to wearing ear pieces and suits while escorting you through the line and to put your tray away.

Wear a mask to the dhall

Keep your identity a secret à la Superman by wearing a mask to the dining hall (tights and cape optional). With your new identity, you can confidently walk past the person you need to avoid without batting an eye. Just make sure that you let a few confidantes in on your secret, or the dining hall may be a lonely time.

Develop a code with the HUDS staff

HUDS workers, specifically the people swiping students into the dining hall, can be your first line of defense. Creating a code where John from Annenberg hoots like an owl whenever said person enters and distracts them would give you enough time to start planning your escape.

Hopefully, with these tips, you will never have to make awkward eye contact or small talk with that weirdo from the MQC or that friend of your roommate who you cannot stand. If these don’t work, house transfer applications are still open or a nice, relaxing gap year might do the trick to ease your dining hall woes.

Harvard's War on Sex

Free Condoms at Sex Week
Sex, baby, let's talk about you and me...
There they are. Your eyes lock across the crowded Cabot Aquarium, just as you swerve to keep from brushing against a sweaty football player’s bare back, nearly dropping your red Solo cup. You make your way to each other and exchange pleasantries. At this point, the party’s drawing to a close, so it’s time to head back and get down to business, right? Wrong. Harvard has been conspiring to keep you a virgin all along.

Tiny, flimsy beds

Unless you live in a luxurious single in the Quad, you’re probably forced to sleep in a narrow twin bed. It’s already small enough for one person, let alone two (or more, wink wink). And if it seems like Harvard gave you a ridiculously squeaky bed frame, chances are they did it purposefully.

Thin walls

There’s nothing worse than heading to the dhall for a hearty morning-after breakfast and having half of your House look at you knowingly. It also sucks to be on the other side of the paper-thin wall, when you can hear your suitemate’s every sound—although it is pretty fun to listen to their awkward pillow talk.

No privacy

You can never quite escape the prying eyes of that one roommate who insisted they move their bed into the common room. Plus, while other schools have RAs, Harvard decided to place actual adult tutors or proctors in every entryway, which can make for some awkward encounters.

The free condoms are a myth

Those condom dispensers in the bathrooms are forever empty. This means that you have to be optimistic about the night’s events and squeeze in a trip to CVS—where, again, you could run into pretty much anyone—at some point on Saturday afternoon.

The pickings are slim

Harvard provides us with a binary social scene: Everyone here is either a recluse or a narcissist, neither of which has much sex appeal. So, even if you’re able to overcome all the previous obstacles, you’re not guaranteed a caring, sexy partner to get it on with.

If we learned anything in Expos, it’s that evidence matters. And the evidence all points to an elaborate conspiracy on Harvard’s part. Don’t be surprised if there’s an email about this from Drew Faust herself in your inbox tomorrow morning.

Get Yourself a Quad Daddy

Shuttle
We know you don't really want to take the shuttle home. Text that Quad Daddy.

We told the Quadlings why they need a River Daddy, but it’s not just Quad folk who need refuge—there are plenty of reasons why you River dwellers should get yourself a Quad Daddy.

The Weekend Sleepover

When you’re smashed at a party in Cabot Aquarium and it’s 3 a.m., how are you going to get home? Walking? Ew. Uber? Not everyone has that kind of money. It’s much easier to sleep over at your Quad Daddy’s house than make that awful trek back. Plus, most Quad kids have singles, meaning Quad Daddy doesn’t need to ask permission from a roommate.

The Shuttle Avoidance

It’s Friday. Do you really want to get on the shuttle to go back to the river? That never-actually-running phantom train that may or may not exist? The one that consistently contains strange characters and drunk freshmen? That’s what I thought. You’re lazy and you know it. Might as well stay there for the weekend.

Pfoho Daddy

House guinea pigs? Orthography? Massage chairs? Use your Pfoho Daddy to stage weekend getaways where you walk around Pfoho in a robe looking like French royalty, while gazing upon Quad residents like they’re the Parisian peasantry. Just be careful to not let them cut off your head... Let your Pfoho Daddy guide you through the wilderness.

Cabot Daddy

Slide into Cabot and you also have an in with Rakesh. He’ll rap Hamilton for you. He’ll waive your sanctions. What more could you possibly ask for? Your Cabot Daddy and the rest of Cabot's are pluses too.

Currier Daddy

Currier. Has. Segways. The only reason you need to find a Currier Daddy is to gain access to those coveted gifts from paradise. Plus, their mascot is Woody the Tree, so you can really easily ask your Currier Daddy to show you Woody *winks*.

So call all your friends that you know in the Qua... oh, right. You know no one in the Quad. Better get to some parties up there. Get yourself a Quad Daddy.

The Ones That Got Away: Yardfest Artists

Tiësto Arrives
Hands up if you're ready for round two!
Yardfest is coming upon us and as excited as we may be for Wale and Lil Yachty lighting up Tercentenary Theater, we can’t help but muse about what could’ve been...

Kidzbop

Want all of the Top 40 hits at a fraction of the cost (and talent)? Sure, the lyrics are censored to the point of being unrecognizable, but we can’t tell through the alcohol and screaming.

The Fifth Runner up of The Voice

Look, Harvard’s economic troubles are hurting us all and we’ve got to cut some corners if we want to keep the lifestyle we’re used to. Want something even more economical and indie? Just make the openers the main event. Although, we will need new openers for the openers....

Tiesto again

Would anyone notice? If he plays different songs it’s basically a whole different concert. It’s all just background music for ignoring our essays and psets anyway. Does it really matter who presses that “play” button on the playlist?

One Hit Wonder (who only plays that one song they're famous for)

We don’t need a collection of bops, just one to get us through the afternoon. It might actually be better if we just stick to one tune so we don’t need to spend 45 minutes pretending we know their entire discography.

A boy/girl band (minus the one good person)

NSYNC but no JT. Spice Girls sans Victoria. Jonas Brothers but it's actually just Kevin. It’s the same catchy songs, just with less vocals. We’d barely notice the difference. In fact, we could literally replace all of the members and not be able to tell. That might actually be cheaper.

Look, no matter who headlines, Yardfest will have us all drunkenly screaming and jamming along. But if the CEB wants to start planning for 2019, these are all guaranteed to at least spark some controversy (if not excitement).

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