Captain, My Captain!

Dear Readers,

This week I was flooded with letters regarding that notorious walking disaster of amour, Captain XY, Esq. For those of you who haven't been keeping up with my column (for shame!), the Captain has become a 'regular contributor' to this feature. His adventures on the high seas of heartbreak have vexed me. Apparently they have annoyed you, too, as following missives demonstrate. They represent just a few of the sacks of mail pouring into the Norma Knows Department of The Harvard Crimson. (P.S. Ironically, this week I did not receive a letter from the Captain. This troubles me.)

Dear Norma,

What the hell! Who's this "Captain" dude? I don't read Norma to catch up on some guy's love life. I read in compassion for my fellow man. When I read a letter about someone who's having a hard time juggling homework and a job, and he's crying out for help, I hear that slow, sad music of humanity in the background. When I read about this girl who likes her perfect, but she knows that breaks the prefect code and she want to share the pain with someone who cares, I'm there, Norma. I care. No more of this Captain, Norma. I say, make him walk the plank. Cares in Currier.

Dear Cares

Don't you understand? It's the Captain who's crying out for help. It's the Captain who wants to share his pain. I think.

Dear Norma,

I just have a question. How can someone be both a "captain" and an "esquire?"   --Just Wondering in Winthrop

Dear Just Wondering

I am going on the assumption that our "Captain" has acquired a law degree, as "Esq." denotes the legal profession. Of course, he also seems to have attained a high ranking in the U.S. armed services.

Dear Norma

I think this guy who lives across the hall from me is Captain XY, Esq.! What do I do?   Afraid in Adams

Dear Afraid,

Stay calm, and keep a close watch on this individual. If the Captain can be identified in his home environment, the battle is half won. Keep me posted. I am repulsed by this character. And yet, intrigued.

Dear Norma,

I think this guy who lives in my entry is Captain XY, Esq.! Should I ask him out for coffee?   --Kind of Interested in Kirkland

Dear Kind of,

No! I mean, no. I bet he doesn't like coffee.

Dear Norma,

I am Captain XY, Esq.   --Confessing in Quincy

Dear Poser,

No you're not.