Students study in the brand-new Smith Campus Center.
Students study in the brand-new Smith Campus Center. By Amy Y. Li

Is Your Teen Texting About the Smith Campus Center?

Now wait a darn minute, before you forbid your child from Smithing it up (as the youths say), studies show withdrawal symptoms include a sharp decrease in Pavement quality coffee consumption, and being considered “lame af” by peers.
By Jarele E. Soyinka

Q1: SOS is seen everywhere—from movies, to Rihanna songs, to the 2007 Jonas Brothers. How does your teen use it?

(A) Save Our Souls

(B) Seeking Only Swissbakers

(C) Suffering Of Single sex organizations

Q2: Your teen seems to end each of their convos with G2G. What are they communicating?

(A) Got 2 Go

(B) Going 2 Garden enclosure

(C) Grouping 2 Genders is an abomination

Q3: Everyone and their mothers knows about HITYAMGY, but does your teen use it correctly?

(A) Have I Told You About My Gap Year

(B) Have I Told You About the Magnificent campus center Garden Yet

(C) Have I Told You About my Mono-Gender Youth organization

Q4: RTBS is an oldie! Has your teen incorporated it into their funky contemporary lingo?

(A) Remains To Be Seen

(B) Really Treasuring Bon me Sesame soba noodles

(C) Revolution! Topple Bureaucratic Sanctions

Q5: LGM is an ancient Harvard adage. What inspiring words is your teenager sending?

(A) Let’s Grab a Meal

(B) Loving Gorgeous Murals

(C) Leading single Gender Mutiny

Q6: Your teenager solemnly announces STFU! What stirred their unyielding spirit?

(A) Shut The F*ck Up

(B) Smith The Funnest Undergraduate facility

(C) Single sex organization: The Final Uprising

Q7: Another Harvard-specific acronym. On the day to day, does your teen announce JTDPA?

(A) Just To Play Devil's Advocate

(B) Jubilantly Traveling, Proceeding to Dunster st. Always

(C) Justice! Torture Degenerates Pining for Agender organizations!

Q8: This is a common combo; dual acronyms for a 1-2 punch. How does your teen use TSWRA JK?

(A) The South Will Rise Again! Just Kidding!

(B) The Smith center Will Rock Always! Joyful Knowledge!

(C) The Single sex organizations Will Reign Almighty! Judgement, Killing!

Q9: Finally another throwback! ISBD still appears in youthful lingo, when does your teen send it?

(A) It Shall Be Done

(B) Idolizing Servant of Blackbird Donuts

(C) Insubordinate heretics will Suffer Bloody Deaths

If you answered mostly:

A’s: Your teen definitely isn’t texting about the Smith Campus Center.

Avocado toast and Tide Pods might infatuate your hip and happenin’ teen, but the Smith Campus Center can barely draw their eyes away from their pesky iPhones. According to an article I read on the Baby Boomer Complaints Quarterly, Gen Z’ers have 1/7 of the attention span of the average human, and clearly pool tables and living walls aren’t shiny and flashy enough to capture their interest. While you may not be able to keep up with their meemees and text acronyms, you can rest easy knowing that the role of destabilizing democracy by falling for Russian propaganda bots lies squarely on your adult shoulders.

B’s: Your teen has the Smith Campus Center on their mind 24/7.

Fiddle dee dee, fiddle dee dentor, your teen is obsessed with the Smith Campus Center. Now wait a darn minute, before you forbid your child from Smithing it up (as the youths say), studies show withdrawal symptoms include a sharp decrease in Pavement quality coffee consumption, and being considered “lame af” by peers. Instead the Parents Who Know Better Chronicle suggests that you stage an intervention expressing your concerns with their Bon Me obsession and how it’s much cooler and groovier to hang out at Lamont Café like it’s 2017 instead. Eventually they’ll come to realize that only fools do pool!

C’s: We are the invisible army. Submission is your only option.

Well salmonize my shorts and call me a Philadelphia roll, your child might be trying to overthrow the established governing body through violent revolution. The sanctions of our authoritarian administrative overlords have radicalized your teenager. Soon the city… nay, the country will face the wrath of the oppressed. Your teen will usher a wave of chaos, drenching the world in the blood of dissenters, and dominating the survivors as the globe kneels to the world order of single-sex organizations. THE MIGHTY SHALL BE MADE WEAK AND THE WEAK SHALL PERISH IN THE WAKE OF OUR RETRIBUTION. Oh, and can you write a check for dues by the end of the week?

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