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How to Get Over a Back-to-School Cold

Keep those humors in good balance!
By Drew C. Pendergrass

Whan that Octobere with his coloured leaves, the cool of Septembre hath perced to the roote, thanne folk get down with Ills and Seeckness. The Healr of HUHS is weak and full of Sin and hath no Power over the Daemon that lives in thy Lungs. Hence, thy lyfe is in thy own hands and the hands of the Lord thy God. But fortun smyles upon thee! Fiftene Mynnets, known for science and for heigh renoun, has tips and trycks for beaeting the mukus Devile.

KEEP THOSE HUMORS IN GOOD BALANCE

Even the Smallyst and the Stupidyst of Children knows that the most common cause of a Cold is too much Blood and too little Bile. Breake out those Leechys, the holiest of the Invertebrates of the Lorde. Styck them all over your Pathetyc and Sickly flesh! When you are Pale and can Barely Walk and are Dizzy from the Lack of Blood, you should quickly down a pynt of Ale to stimylate the bile in the Liver.

GET PLENTY OF BED REST

The Sleepyng and the Restyng wyl attrakt the Spirit of the Lord!

CALCULATE THOSE PLANETARY POSITIONS SO YOU CAN USE THE PROPER ASTROLOGICAL HEALING TALISMAN

Nothing is more embarrassyng than trying to use a Rooster Fethyr to heal a cold when Venus is in retrograde. What is this, 950 A.D.? Such a Foole probably thinketh Aristotelian Philosophie cannot be Reckonciled with the Holy Bibyl. Do not be a Foole! Consult your locol astrologyr for help in choosing a Talisman.

GARGLE WITH SALT WATER TO SOOTHE A SORE THROAT

The Devile loves to Establysh his Army in the throtes of the faithful. The faithful will thyn be Sad that theyr throte is Sore and will swear alleegance to the Army of Darkness and Daemyns and turn away from the Lorde. Do not do this! Instead, lyk how the Lorde drowned the Pharaoh and his evyl army in the Red Sea, you should drown the Devile’s footsoldiers in the saltiest of saltwater.

BE NEAR A LARGE PILE OF PRECIOUS METALS

Remember the good Doctour from that work of contemporary fiction, The Canterbury Tales. For gold in phisik is a cordial, therefore he lovede gold in special. A Wyse Man Indeed! Gold will cure All Ills! If you are poore, have a Fryend or a Pal rob a Caravan on the hyway.

HYDRATE, HYDRATE, HYDRATE

Drouwn the Devile in flooids and liquids! In all this world ne was ther noon hym lyk to speke of phisik and of surgerye than hym who drinks the Beer and Spirits until the Devile comes out.

ENGAGE IN SELF-FLAGELLATION UNTIL ALL YOUR SIN IS APPROPRIATELY EXTINGUISHED IN THE EYES OF GOD

This is the Most Importynt Tip! All the Talismen and the Leechys and the Gold in the World will have no power over ye if the Lord is not Satisfyed. Yes, Clement VI has condymned this practice, but do not compromys your health by bowing to the Papal authority. Whip away! The more boyls and pustules that emerge on thy back, the more forgivyn thy be.

If you follow these tips, you too can live to the ripe old age of 32!

—Magazine writer Drew C. Pendergrass can be reached at drew.pendergrass@thecrimson.com. Follow him on Twitter @pendergrassdrew.

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