By Cat D. Hyeon

“Totally Random” GenEd Lottery Questionnaire

Have you ever looked into the sky on a Tuesday afternoon and fallen out of existence, because the universe is SO BIG and you are just so, so small?
By Alec P. Kahn

Thank you for your interest in “Understanding the Pursuit of Meaning.” This course fulfills the GenEd requirement for “Coerced Enlightenment,” without which you will be unable to graduate. Due to the high volume of interested students, we are typically able to accept only 0.05 percent of applicants. The following questions are simply designed to gauge interest and have absolutely no bearing on acceptance to the course. The lottery system is COMPLETELY RANDOM. Good luck!

In accordance with the Honor Code, you may not discuss these questions with anyone outside of this questionnaire.

  1. What is your declared concentration?

  2. Why do you want to take this course?

  3. What house do you live in?

  4. What house do you want to live in?

  5. Describe yourself in two OR fourteen adjectives.

  6. Who are you voting for this year?

  7. What is your mother’s maiden name?

  8. What are the last four digits of your social security number?

  9. Unrelated to the previous two questions, what is the name of your preferred financial institution? Does it have an online banking feature?

  10. Have you done research or field work in Ancient Mesopotamia yet? If not, then what makes you think you could ever gain entry into this course, you pitiful fool?

  11. Which final club was your father in?

  12. Is it still “qUiRkY” to like Mitski? Under what conditions is “quirk” still possible?

  13. How does one increase their volume of matches on Tinder? (Asking for a friend.)

  14. Do you remember where you were when you last heard “Down” by Jay Sean? Haven’t you heard that he is poised to make a huge comeback?

  15. Have you ever looked into the sky on a Tuesday afternoon and fallen out of existence, because the universe is SO BIG and you are just so, so small?

  16. If a man has two cantaloupes and he sells one, how many seeds does he have to plant to feed three-quarters of a carnivorous pack of Siberian wolves? (Hint: calculus may or may not be involved.)

  17. If you raise your hand to ask questions all the time but you don’t really have a question, you just want to hear the sound of your own voice, and sometimes you say mean things that make the professor feel bad, even though he worked so hard on his Ph.D. and his research, all to have a student make him look all silly and stupid at the podium, then don’t even dare submit this form. (I know you’re reading this Simon, you ignorant slut.)

What is your declared concentration?

Why do you want to take this course?

What house do you live in?

What house do you want to live in?

Describe yourself in two OR fourteen adjectives.

Who are you voting for this year?

What is your mother’s maiden name?

What are the last four digits of your social security number?

Unrelated to the previous two questions, what is the name of your preferred financial institution? Does it have an online banking feature?

Have you done research or field work in Ancient Mesopotamia yet? If not, then what makes you think you could ever gain entry into this course, you pitiful fool?

Which final club was your father in?

Is it still “qUiRkY” to like Mitski? Under what conditions is “quirk” still possible?

How does one increase their volume of matches on Tinder? (Asking for a friend.)

Do you remember where you were when you last heard “Down” by Jay Sean? Haven’t you heard that he is poised to make a huge comeback?

Have you ever looked into the sky on a Tuesday afternoon and fallen out of existence, because the universe is SO BIG and you are just so, so small?

If a man has two cantaloupes and he sells one, how many seeds does he have to plant to feed three-quarters of a carnivorous pack of Siberian wolves? (Hint: calculus may or may not be involved.)

If you raise your hand to ask questions all the time but you don’t really have a question, you just want to hear the sound of your own voice, and sometimes you say mean things that make the professor feel bad, even though he worked so hard on his Ph.D. and his research, all to have a student make him look all silly and stupid at the podium, then don’t even dare submit this form. (I know you’re reading this Simon, you ignorant slut.)

You will receive the results of this lottery approximately 3.2 seconds before the midnight deadline to finalize your Crimson Cart and enroll in classes. Any questions or concerns may be directed to my_ass@fas.harvard.edu.


—Magazine writer Alec P. Kahn can be reached at alec.kahn@thecrimson.com.

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