One of the various gates on Harvard's campus bearing a final club logo. Definitely not the gate we interviewed for this article. This gate is a different gate.
One of the various gates on Harvard's campus bearing a final club logo. Definitely not the gate we interviewed for this article. This gate is a different gate. By Ryan N. Gajarawala

An Interview With [Redacted] Gate Bearing [Redacted] Final Club Logo

A number of gates on Harvard’s campus that mark the entrance to University-owned space mysteriously bear the insignias of various Harvard final clubs. But since 1984, when nine all-male clubs officially severed ties with the university, all such social organizations have remained formally disaffiliated from the school.
By Eliya O. Smith

A number of gates on Harvard’s campus that mark the entrance to University-owned space mysteriously bear the insignias of various Harvard final clubs. But since 1984, when nine all-male clubs officially severed ties with the university, all such social organizations have remained formally disaffiliated from the school. So what’s the deal with the logos? In an exclusive interview with [redacted] Fate bearing [redacted] final club logo, FM investigates.

FM: Hey, [redacted] Gate bearing [redacted] final club logo. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.

Gate: ...

FM: Okay, cool. So, I guess, like, the first thing I wanted to ask was like, why, um, sorry, let me pull up my notes, why, like—

Gate makes judgmental gated reaction about FM’s use of “like” and “um”

FM: Sorry, I’m just a little nervous to be interviewing you, if I’m being honest. Just like, you’re kind of a big deal, [Redacted] Gate.

Gate is flattered.

FM: Right so anyway. Let’s just dive in, I guess. Why is there a [redacted name of final club] logo branded into your… I’m sorry, I’m not super familiar with Gate anatomy… I guess it’s your external shell?

Gate: ...

FM: Skin?

Gate is weirded out; Gate definitely does not possess skin, and resents being anthropomorphized.

FM: Okay sorry just like, I didn’t know—

Gate recuses gateself from this interview.

FM: Wait, no! Come back!

Gate is confused by this command, seeing as Gate never left, as Gate is a Gate and cannot physically move.

FM: What I mean is, can you please un-recuse yourself from this interview?

Gate: …

FM: Come on, [redacted] Gate. Help me out.

Gate: ...

FM: Seriously?

Gate: …

FM: …

Gate: …

FM: …

FM: …

FM: WHO PAID YOU

Gate: …

FM: …

Gate: …

Another gate bearing another final club's logo. Also not the gate we interviewed for this article.
Another gate bearing another final club's logo. Also not the gate we interviewed for this article. By Ryan N. Gajarawala

FM: HOW MUCH

Gate: …

FM: HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY YOU, [REDACTED] GATE

Gate: …

FM: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MONEY

Gate: …

FM: YOU ARE MERELY A GATE

Gate: …

FM: LITERALLY WHAT DID YOU EVEN BUY

Gate: …

FM: WHO DID THIS AND WHY

Gate: …

FM: DOES THIS COUNT AS SPIRITWEAR FOR THEM

Gate: …

FM: AT FM WE JUST GET MATCHING SWEATSHIRTS

Gate: …

FM: YOU SHOULD SUGGEST TO WHOEVER PAID YOU THAT THEY GET SWEATSHIRTS NEXT TIME

Gate: …

FM: JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT’S A LITTLE ON THE NOSE FOR GATEKEEP-Y ORGANIZATIONS TO PICK A RANDOM GATE ON CAMPUS TO PUT THEIR NAME ON FOR NO APPARENT REASON

Gate: …

FM: JUST TRYING TO OFFER SOME CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK

Gate: …

FM: OKAY

FM: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

FM: YOU TAKE CARE, [REDACTED] GATE

Gate: …

FM: BYE NOW. SEE YOU AROUND I GUESS

Gate: wait but did you wanna come in


—Magazine writer Eliya O. Smith can be reached at eliya.smith@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter @eliyasmith.

Tags
Levity