Around the Ivies: Big Test vs. Big Green

I hate the winter. I’m not really sure where this is going I just thought I should make it known.

YALE AT COLUMBIA

The good news for Columbia is they’re about as good as they are every year. The bad news is they’re pretty trash every year.

The team is a perfect .500 this season so far beating every non-conference team will dropping every contest against Ancient Eight squads. That includes losses to Princeton, Penn and Dartmouth.

Here’s the deal. Yale is doing better. With a record of 4-2, the Bulldogs have losses to Holy Cross and Dartmouth.

The Big Green is undefeated at the moment and both teams lost to the squad from Hanover so that’s really not a factor. Princeton is amazing and the Bulldogs will probably lose to them too. But Penn, Yale beat Penn. Columbia didn’t.

However, not only is Yale’s quarterback Kurt Rawlings out with a shattered ankle, Columbia has been making alpha moves as of late. After all, the school just stopped funding the band. I’ve been begging the UC to do the same at Harvard for years. Without a band to terrorize its players, the Lions may just be on their way to establishing an elite program.

Columbia by 7

PENN AT BROWN

No one in my family is legitimately aware that these two schools are Ivy League institutions. Similarly, no one I’ve talked to about this article were aware that Brown and Penn have football teams.

That means that national relevance of this contest is equivalent to the national relevance of both these schools combined. For all you Yale students, that means it’s not relevant. Still though, I promised my co-writer I would evaluate every contest so here goes nothing.

Since my prediction of a Brown resurgence a few weeks ago, the Bears won the following game and lost the next three — not exactly an endorsement of my statement.

To be fair to myself, which I am quite inclined to do, the Bears played both Princeton and Rhode Island, two juggernauts of FCS teams, so — as I mentioned earlier — those don’t really count. The defense is relatively solid and the offense can make things happen when given the chance.

Penn is much more heavy through the air than on the ground. With two Ivy League losses, one must wonder where the fan base is on their production. The only comment on The Daily Pennsylvania’s recap is “Throwing of the toast = great fun.” Which is all fine and dandy except no toast will be thrown this weekend as Penn travels to Providence.

No throwing of the toast = no fun.

Brown by 10

CORNELL AT PRINCETON

Too easy.

Princeton by 45

HARVARD AT DARTMOUTH

No one has substantially commented on the fact that Dartmouth actually tackles robots during practice. I don’t think you understand. The Big Green prepares to pull down Harvard’s sophomore running back Aaron Shampklin — leading the league in rushing yards — by hugging motorized, armless tackling dummies.

Perhaps Dartmouth will be prepared should an army of squishy robots rise up against society, but for a football game, the practice is just an ineffective publicity stunt.

Despite tackling inanimate objects all year, The Big Green hasn’t lost a game this season and is nationally ranked. However, it’s been 25 years since the Crimson lost at Dartmouth and 14 years since Harvard has lost at all to the home team.

The Big Green quarterback leads the nation in pass efficiency and completion percentage. Shampklin leads the division rushing. Dartmouth’s defense leads the nation in yards allowed while the Crimson leads the division in third down prevention.

This game could be anything from a air raid to a defensive showcase.

It’s also homecoming for Dartmouth and you don’t schedule a homecoming game against a team you think you’ll lose to.

Dartmouth by 3

—Staff writer Cade Palmer can be reached at cade.palmer@thecrimson.com. Follow him on Twitter @THC_CadePalmer.