Why hello there, young, illustrious high schooler. Thank you so much for paying the $300 fee for access to this college admissions Google Doc! We here at the Harvard Student Agencies are “trained professionals,” (quotation marks for legal reasons) able to help with all of your questions and concerns with applying to elite colleges! Based on our expert analysis, and our own in-house study of economic and social trends, we recommend that you scrap your essay and quit your extracurricular activities. The only surefire way to gain admission to Harvard College is to become a boba shop.
As you know, Harvard is one of the most selective colleges in the nation. Do you really think you can stand out against 60,000 other applicants? Don’t be delusional, young scholar. You have to make them want YOU. You have to make them NEED you. You have to make them so addicted to your sugary goodness and 50 mg of caffeine that they beg you to come to their club meetings just to get a fix.
You need to show versatility and adaptability. What makes you the perfect fit for Harvard College? Convince admissions that you have exactly what they’re looking for. Less ice? You’ll show them less ice! Are they looking for a watermelon slush with aloe jelly, a shot of espresso, and a dollop of cheese foam? Now that’'s something you can deliver… or order for pick-up!
Don’t worry if you don’t have legacy status or lack a national title in squash, you have something better. You’re hot. You’re popular. Make sure they know that you have been featured in millions of Instagram posts (both filtered and unfiltered) and that you hold the distinction of number one date destination for middle-school couples. Don’t forget to highlight that you’re a globally recognized chain with locations in nearly every major city in America. We promise having ties to a multinational capitalist empire can only help your application.
In terms of extracurriculars, forget about having a “spike.” You don’t need to be a published author, conduct research at a top lab, or start a non-profit. These days, it’s all about well-roundedness — being round and made of tapioca.
It’s getting harder and harder to get into Harvard. Forget about all the stress that comes with crafting the perfect application and simply secure your spot by becoming a boba shop. You’ll find your way into every single classroom in no time. In fact, you’ll be featured on every student’s desk, sweating with condensation, your corporate logo displayed with pride.
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