Five Reasons Why I’m Still Single After Datamatch

By Courtesy of Google Images

Every Valentine’s Day, the Harvard masses wake up to the most highly anticipated email of the year: “Your matches are ready.” The suspense crushes us as we open our account to find what the Supreme Cupids have made of our scientific survey choices. Then we see our matches… and for the *unfortunate* (read: me and you) the list of matches crushes us too. See if your worst Datamatches can top these five!

That match who helped you find your phone when you lost it at Visitas

Small details. They probably don’t remember. But I do. I remember Visitas. I remember that awkward breakout room. In addition to all our mutual friends and overlapping affinity spaces. I can’t get away. When I signed up for MIT’s Aphrodite, I didn’t plan on getting matched with someone at Harvard — especially not someone I already knew. Lesson learned: don’t cheat on Datamatch.

That match that’s your best friend’s blockmate

Maybe this one shouldn’t be so bad. But knowing the inner workings of their blocking group dynamic feels like you’ve breached boundaries. You know them. You’ve hung out with them. You know you don’t vibe, but Datamatch thinks you do. Apparently your similar taste in One Direction boys was enough for them to be on the list, but not high enough for a free meal. Tough.

That freshman who is ~persistent~

For upperclassmen, this one is self-explanatory. For all the 2024’s let me spell it out: Open your match. Read the class year. If it’s not 2024, forget it. You’re barely (or not even) 18. If you matched with an upperclassman, don’t stalk our insta and try to slide into the DM’s (dude, if you’re reading this, please stop). For your own sake, the best answer an upperclassman can give you is “pass 😪” and the worst is “yes 😳".

That match that’s your friend’s ex

Do I even have to explain this one? The game plan for this one went something like this: screenshot, text, laugh-react, and ignore. If you happen to be the ~spicy~ type and want to go for it, just know there’s going to be some serious bro code group chats in your future — good luck.

That #1 friend-match that apparently doesn’t want a free meal

Yeah. This hurt. It’s literally free food. Call me narcissistic (please don’t), but is 45 minutes with me too much to handle for free boba? I can’t be that bad. Maybe I should’ve unlinked my Spotify? I knew Shawn Mendes was a red flag…

Anyway, here’s to hoping next year goes any better — and, dear Cupids, please find me someone new to simp over.

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